Bearing our own cross

We tend to reflect on the larger things in life. When something big happens. Like if we have a big fight or suffer a big loss. Then after the debris has settled we reflect. This reflection brings a lot of learning and wisdom. We have more depth. Looking closer, there is a finer spectrum of time in the transition from the explosive to the reflective phase. In this transition there is usually a period of immense fear, anxiety, sorrow and indecision. Our consciousness is stricken with doubt. At this time we need friends, family, well-wishers and at times an intimate relationship to tide us over until the doubt and despair subsides. Most of us live our entire lives like this. Garnering the support of close ones to help us stay afloat in times of strife. Why is it that we must lean on others at these times? The reason is that the fear, whether it is the fear of uncertainty or the fear of making the wrong decision, paralyzes us. We are overwhelmed by it and lose the vitality and energy it takes to actually face it so we must survive by the healing energy of those close to us. The love and kindness of our family and friends is a vibrant field of energy that helps us to heal. Though at times, if we are not careful, we make the mistake of transferring some of our burden on to them. Maybe we end up having a fight with our mother because the negativity inside us was too much to take and she was the easiest victim.  Perhaps we let our friends talk us away from our fears and insecurities. They remind us of how wonderful we are or of times when we had been strong for them. Maybe they say that things are going to be fine. Sometimes we foster a hatred or indifference for the person who we think is responsible for our suffering. With time and with mental reconciliation, it eventually becomes ok and we are on our feet once again. After this whole process we usually have learned some lessons and become wiser in order to not repeat some of the same patterns again.

Sooner or later we feel incomplete once again and it must all be repeated in one form or the other.

Maybe this time the process of recovery is more sophisticated. Instead of a simple reiteration our inherent worth, our friends now propound theories about what type of person we are and what that means for our life path and why we find ourselves in these situations. A lot of psychoanalysis is involved. We are wiser so the dialog sounds wiser. Though in all of this movement there is never any salvation. There is not spiritual growth. There is only the maturing of language. There is one more possibility though. The possibility that we face it completely alone. Not heroically, please. Not in the sense of the Marlboro man. That is merely the romantic entertainment of a silly notion of strength. We cannot be alone. As long as we are in this world, we cannot live in isolation even though some of us might want to. But to see the fear and despair. See it in its totality, in its myriad manifestations as negative thought, as bodily sensation, as the constant mental commentary, as the tendency to hide it. In fact see the content of entire consciousness. This takes extraordinary alertness, energy. This energy is available. Not only in the love of family and friends but in all of nature. Have you ever tried being in nature very silently, quietly to see the deep joy and energy there is. Once we tap into this energy, not by doing anything or practicing meditation but just by being quiet and letting it come to us, then we are ready to observe, to attend to our fear and sorrow. Attend to it, not intervene by using language to impose stories upon it, not look for its causes and effects, but attend to it, be it. Know that we are continuously energized by the presence of people in our life but not by their reassuring words. Reassurance is running away from what actually is. From what is us. To end sorrow, each one of us must learn to bear our own cross. Even when the weight of it makes us falter and fall to the ground. It is our own. First we must see that the energy and love of all of mankind is inside us, the beauty of nature is inside us. There is immense energy and once we see this, then we begin.

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